crazy dreams

I know I already did a post about pregnancy dreams (they were mostly about food back then), but now that I am ready to pop I am having more crazy dreams. I have had two dreams that started very differently, but both ended the same which was with me alone on an icy lake or ocean and the ice begins to crack and break apart and I am about to sink into the deep black frigid waters. These dreams both started very light hearted with me surrounded by people and having lots of fun then all of a sudden I am alone. This dream both times starts out in color and then ends in black and white with a great contrast between the bright white ice and the darkest black waters you could imagine. I don't put too much stock into dream interpretation, but it is pretty easy to figure out that my brain is trying to express that I have some fears that I haven't really dealt with. I have always feared deep dark waters and so it seems like a pretty natural expression of my fears. It is also quite expected in my state to have some fears since I am going to be experiencing childbirth soon. I know it is the third time for me, but I still worry about the same things I did the first time around. It is hard to prevent all the horror stories and hundreds of possible problems that could take place from entering my mind.

The other dream that I have had was me and my three children in a field surrounded by deer. Kate was facinated by the mommas and baby deer and wanted to get closer. I kept calling for her to follow me and stay with me because I also had the baby and Beck to keep safe. I knew it wasn't a good idea for her to go wandering off after the deer because there were these huge bucks ready plunge their huge antlers into any intruder. Then all of a sudden there were mountain lions decending on the deer and devouring them. Now I was in a state of panic trying to get Kate to listen to me, but she was oblivious of the dangers around her. I am guessing this dream addresses my fears of being overwhelmed with the responsibilities of motherhood and trying to take care of three children one of which is getting more and more independent each day. I think there is a very spiritual meaning to the dream as well with trying to protect your children from all the hidden dangers in the world that you are aware of and your children do not quite comprehend. They don't know how vulnerable they are and they have to make their own choices which may put them in danger and you as the parent are in the position of having to watch and not being able to do much about it accept warn them with your voice. It is kind of tormenting to love someone and to know the right way and watch them turn away from your voice and the voice of the spirit. I can't help thinking what a much greater scale our Father in Heaven experiences these feelings. I just hope that my children will listen when they are in danger whether it is physical or spiritual dangers.

I am not the only one who has been having these crazy, stressful, anxiety ridden dreams. My husband also told me he had dreams where he had to fight with animals. It started with him having to fight two gorillas and then sharks and I can't remember what came next. I guess it is not all pregnancy hormones, but anticipation, fear, lack of control, and general parental anxieties. Hopefully none of it will be justified and things will go as smoothly as they possibly can. I have prepared myself and the kids as much as I can for the transition and I am just going to have to take it one day at a time. I know that it will get easier juggle three kids when the initial pain and fatigue subside.

I am going to end with a quote from Elder Holland which my friend posted on her blog. I don't think she'll mind, but it seems fitting with all the fears I am obviously experiencing lately.
"I ask everyone within the sound of my voice to take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He 'would fight [our] battles, [our] children's battles, and [the battles of our] children's children' (D&C 98:37; emphasis added). And what do we do to merit such a defense? We are to 'search diligently, pray always, and be believing. [Then] all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted' (D&C 90:24). The latter days are not a time to fear and tremble. They are a time to be believing and remember our covenants."

I love that quote and it brings me much peace when I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of both the physical and spiritual welfare of my children in this sometimes very dangerous world.

Independent 4 year old

Kate informed me the other day that "I don't need you anymore mom". I knew this would come some day, but I didn't think it would come at 4 years old. she has become quite independent and can do so many things on her own including getting dressed, getting in her pjs, getting out of the car, and has recently learned how to swing on a swing without having to be pushed. This was the moment she realized she did not need me. She is a pretty good helper and big sister. I worry sometimes that I am too hard on her or expect too much of her because she is the oldest child and can do so much more.

She is still a baby in a lot of ways and often cries at the drop of a hat. Maybe that just comes with the territory of being female because I know a lot of adult women including myself who have days like that. To all my friends out there who are expecting their third boy, do you see all the dramatics you are missing?

I am trying to enjoy her every day. I love seeing her gifts and talents and I have a lot of hopes for her future. I am amazed by her artistic abilities and intellect and I know she is much more gifted and talented than I am which makes it quite humbling to be in the position of being her mother. I never quite feel qualified for the job.

Lately she has been saying "In a minute it is going to be so hot we are going to have to run through the spinklers" Every night before bed we have to remind her what day it is today and what day it is going to be tomorrow. If we don't she will get out of bed 10 minutes later to come ask "what day is it going to be tomorrow?" She is working hard to understand the concept of time. She is remembering longer periods of time and gets excited when she can remember what we did earlier that week etc. I think it is kind of fun and interesting to watch and be a part of their development.

Sabotage

Some days I feel like I am being sabotaged. I will be cleaning an area of the house and move on to the next only to find that the one I just cleaned is already a mess again. My kids seem to think that they need to get all the toys out at once when they are playing and we are trying to get them to decide what they want to play with, so they can leave the rest of it alone until they are ready to put the first away. Maybe that is an impossible goal, but it sure would be nice. Our play room in the basement is not even finished yet (we do have carpet and paint picked out-yay!) and my husband says he has already accepted that it will be a constant disaster. I have a little more hope than that but maybe I am only dreaming.

Even though it seems like I always have someone in the house going through the terrible twos, I started to think I was going to get off pretty easy. I didn't have to take a lot of extra precautions like some parents (locking the toilet seat or safety latches on cabinets etc.) I didn't use to have to worry about the bathroom door being left open since they rarely caused too much trouble and the worst was ususally a box of kleenex all over the house. However lately they have been getting into more trouble. Perhaps it is spring fever, but even my four year old who should know better by now still seems to want to participate in some of the activities like coloring on the walls. Here are some pictures of their latest work.

One day I found Beck in my bathroom with my make-up all over him and all over my floor. It took 3 washings to get the lip stick out of the rug.

It was just like the next day that I found both my kids art work on my walls in crayon and pen. Luckily my cousins wife had just sent me a list of cleaning tricks like alcohol to remove pen and baking soda to remove crayon that helped. You can see it worked pretty well. The first picture is after I had been scrubbing for a few minutes. It was actually much darker to begin with.

I can't wait to see what trouble they will get in when I am distracted by a new baby. Hopefully with the better weather they can spend more time outdoors and not make messes indoors. For now I guess I will go on cleaning and re-cleaning and trying to keep a better eye on what they are up to at all times.